Like many married men with families, Gregg often laments his lack of male friendship and testosterone-laden activities - hoops, golf and sports-statistic heavy conversations. He'll often forget who I am and say something like "can you believe D.J. Augustin? This whole declaration thing is just crazy" or "Mike Cook still has a chance" while looking at me expectantly. While I am a sports fan, the minutia of college ball is just not going to cut through the mom-clutter in my brain, let alone the stacks of work facts filed next to my to-do list that resides in my frontal lobe. So it was with great pleasure that I saw the budding bromance between Gregg and Jim*, a fellow parent from our school.
At a recent event that I co-chaired, Gregg was left to his own amusements while I dashed around with a timetable in my hand, on a mission and not about to deal with small talk or the conversational needs of my husband. So he ended up talking to Jim and MikeMikeMike, both guy-guys, as they battled to outbid each other on a golf package in Arizona. They wrestled the pen from each other while delicately balancing their Sierra Nevadas, screaming epithets at each other to dissuade that next high bid or distract while they themselves made a huge bid jump. As one bid on the golf trip, another would dash to the other side of the table to attempt to be the highest bidder on Cal tickets. Gregg was left on his own while bidding on teeth whitening; neither Jim nor MikeMikeMike were quite as concerned as he about the brilliance of their smiles. Plus the line at the bar beckoned. In the end, they drunkenly swore fealty to each other - whomever won would take the others on the Man Trip for golf in Arizona.
As we drove home (Cal tickets in hand, golf going to Jim), Gregg told me what a great night he'd had with Jim and MikeMikeMike - both were "guy guys" who weren't afraid to swear and somehow seemed closer to his blue-collar roots than most of the other parents.
"Hey, why don't you call them and invite them to play golf next weekend?"
"NO. No way. Guys don't do that."
"What, use a phone?"
"No, no, no. It would all be too weird and date-like. You don't get it."
Apparently men have not just a three-day rule with other, but a total aversion to appearing to pursue a friendship in any way and in fact will only get together if by chance. But I was not ready to give up.
By sheer luck, the next day at the farmer's market we spied Jim and his family.
"Hey, honey! There's Jim! You could ask him about golf and —"
"NO! Keep walking! Don't make eye contact!"
Being a guy is tougher than I ever realized, as is setting up your husband on a man date.
The following week I dropped Gregg off at the park with the kids while I did the grocery shopping. When I got back, he was deep in conversation with a guy about his age about golf, swing stance, NCAAs and other things that made my eyes glaze over. But as I observed them - their open body language, eye contact and friendly smiles, I saw the potential for yet another bromance, a chance for Gregg to break out and perhaps make a man friend. As we packed up our stuff, they shook hands and exchanged names, closing with a "well, maybe I'll see you at the park again soon...that was fun."
"Honey, you should totally get his number."
"NO!"
"Come on, you clearly hit it off! He likes golf, you like golf and —"
"NO! I'm not going to ask him for his number."
As we drove away from the park, we passed Alan* and his son walking home.
"Hey, let's stop and you can ask him..."
"NO! SPEED UP THE CAR! GO! GO! GO!"
As I watched the retreating figure of Alan in my rearview mirror, I sighed at the lost opportunity to set my husband up. And plotted how I might conspire with Jim's wife and perhaps find Alan's so that we could push these recalcitrant but clearly meant-for-each-other men into if not the other's arms, at least their SUVs filled with golf clubs, footballs, basketballs and other random sports equipment.
*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of potential bromancers
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2 comments:
Too true, But, oddly enough, I have the same trouble with my wife.
"Why don't you call insert female acquaintance's name here. You seem to get along. Ask her if she wants to get together for coffee."
"Oh, I can't do that. What would we talk about?"
This from the woman who can talk paint off a wall.
Ah, poor Gregg. I totally understand his predicament, being a heterosexual male myself with a deep-rooted fear of accidentally coming across as a gay man propositioning another man.
The thing is, however, some of my closest friendships came from taking just such a risk. One of my longtime buddies I met in a bar, watching the MLB playoffs. Neither of us had a TV and after the game we said, "Meet you here for the next game." And we did.
Another friend I met in the last couple of years. He was selling a drill press on Craigslist and happened to live just a few blocks from me. When I picked up the drill press I said, "Hey, I know this might sound odd, but you and your wife seem really nice and we were wondering if you'd like to come chill on our deck with a cool drink tomorrow afternoon?"
Now he and I hang out quite often. We even call it a "man-date."
The fact is, and I'm sure Gregg knows this, that many men are afraid of even that surface level of intimacy with another man and end up all but friendless as they get older as a result. My dad being a classic example. Sure he's got golf buddies, but they only play golf together. And talk about golf. And anything beyond that is pretty much taboo.
If Gregg really does want to have real male friends ("real" meaning friends not solely based around an activity), he's got to face his fear of seeming or feeling gay and just ask another dude to grab a beer. And trust me, just like with eating black olives, the fear of it is far worse than actually doing it.
Here are a few techniques to help him feel less gay:
- throw a BBQ and invite the guy in question. That way it's not a one-on-one awkward thing
- invite him and his wife and kids over, for the same effect, but slightly more personal
- inject plenty of hetero words while talking to him, such as "dude," "awesome," and "beer." Avoid the word "yummy" at all costs. But that's for any situation, really.
- Or, just address it upfront. Say, "Hey, I know this seems like I'm asking you out, but there's no other way..." And then reassuringly squeeze his ass cheek.
Gregg just needs to man up and do what real men do. Ask other men out.
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