Teach your children well

Shawn Joaquin is a rules kid, subject to daily heart attacks from Madelena, who is not. He follows her around shouting "you should not do that - that's dangerous for children" or saying to us, following cross words, "you should not talk to peoples like that - it's not polite." When friends come over and try to shoot the cat with their finger, he is incensed and firmly reminds them that in our house we don't shoot animals or babies. It's not polite. When they jump on the furniture, he stamps his foot on the ground and tells them to get down immediately - we don't do that here. 

I was very puzzled as to where this all came from until I realized that while I myself am not always a rules follower (except those that make sense, of course) I am quite the rule maker. And like Shawn Joaquin I am quite tempted to follow people around and remind them of my rules, and only decorum or - more honestly - lack of time keep me from doing so. 

To save myself some time and yourself some embarrassment when in my presence, I have decided to note some of my more obscure but helpful rules in order to improve your life/avoid embarrassment/display my own idiosyncrasies/freakishness.

Send thank you notes. The only time this is not mandatory is when you have two children under the age of five - then you can make a phone call to thank someone because putting a pen to paper and having it destroyed/gummed/lost in a diaper bag is a high probability. Emails do not count, no matter how amusing they are - unless they include a video of the person enjoying the gift. Then it's welcome home, Web 2.0.

Do not chew gum in public. If you chew it at home, keep your mouth closed. If I see your gum, get ready to spit it out.

Pick up your movie trash. Just because someone is paid to clean a theater (and is desperate enough to take a job that underpays them, puts them in ill fitting uniforms and subjects them to Joe Public daily) does not mean they need to pick up the crap you have strewn on the floor. You are perfectly capable of gathering and placing it in one of the conveniently placed trash receptacles near the door. If you are not, rethink independent living and consider a facility for special needs citizens. 

Say thank you, even if it's crap. Someone spent some amount of time choosing something they thought you would enjoy, even if they mistakenly think you would enjoy a small box carved out of driftwood with a leaping dolphin burned into it and smells of sandalwood. You could keep your weeeed in it.

Hug your good friends. It won't kill you and will make anyone who is not creepy very happy. If someone does not enjoy it, move them to the "possibly creepy" column and test them with random pats on the back and other forms of physical affection to test tolerance.

Share your books, but don't expect someone else to love them and report back. Some of us like frock dramas, and others would rather jab a sharp stick in our eye. And then set that stick on fire.

Turn off your cell phone. Unless you have a sitter that you have left your precious children with or have a partner who will call when they've got the bedroom ready, there is no reason to have a cell phone on at a social occasion. It tells other people that they're not the people you want to be with at that moment, and in fact you would welcome a call from someone, anyone, other than them, even a prerecorded message from a Republican presidential candidate.

Don't text at the table or when socializing with others. See note above. And also check your I.D. stat to make sure you are not some 14-year old in rebellion and armed with a Blackberry.

There are a few other tried and true rules to abide by, not necessarily limited to my rule book: say please and thank you, don't talk with your mouth full, keep your elbows off the table and your napkin in your lap, pack out what you pack in, recycle, do no harm to others, give what you can, and tell the people that you love that you do - OUT LOUD - without fear and often. If you follow these rules and those of your local jurisdiction there's a pretty good chance that you'll have some good karma comin' back you and avoid the wrath of rules people like me and my boy. 

Goodbye and - of course - thank you. Thank you very much.