When not to date

There was an interesting article on CNN this week about five reasons to not go on that first date; the reasons were as follows:

1. You're lonely

2. You're desperate

3. You're infectious

4. You're not over someone else

5. You're drunk 

While these reasons are all well and fine (though I do question the last one - who says that blowing chunks on your date or being unable to recall his name will not test both his compassion and provide endless fodder for dinner parties for both of you?) I had a few more that I felt should be added. 

6. You're married. To someone else. Even trying to date your spouse is challenging and often not that fun, let alone trying to be interesting for a new person. Plus think of all the new underwear you'd have to buy. And remember that conversations among marrieds tend to wander back to kids and the next day's trip to Home Depot — and you often find conversation outside of THAT too mentally exhausting. So why waste anyone's time, money or Friday night effort on a date when you could spend it picking up ten thousand pieces of crap left around the house by the kids or drinking a bottle of Two Buck Chuck while folding stained underwear.

7. He's a big fat loser. We've all had that cringe factor before a date that we know will lead to nothing, but feel we're being too judgmental and need to broaden our horizons...accept facial deformations, poor grammar, bad manners or interesting body odor because you know WHAT, if you open your heart...THIS JUST MIGHT BE THE ONE. Ha. Stay home. Eat ice cream. Watch Weeds on your DVR - you'll save everyone some heartache and yourself from listening to a possible mouth breather say "You got a pretty mouth" while visibly chewing gum.

8. You're the parent of small children. When your kids are little you fall into the habit of referring to yourself in the third person and speaking casually about verboten topics, and it's hard to break in public spaces. And no one wants to cop a feel or make out with someone who just said "Mama needs to go tinkle and wipe the oogity boogities out of her nose, so wait RIGHT here."

Add this all together and you have a hallelujah from me, thankful to be a smug married who is in fact not so smug at all, and realizes that while being married is hard, hard work each and every day....I never again have to put on a brave face, straighten up my back, take that last glance in the mirror as I walk out the door and say "you can do this. Maybe it won't be so bad after all."