For his first mother

I don't know how it never hit me before. But in the darkened Piedmont Theatre on Friday night I burst into tears, suddenly realizing the unfathomable sacrifice made by another mother....the one that made me a mother. I sat in the dark and realized that while I have the incredible joy of raising my son, seeing his passion and insight and incredibly loving self each and every day, his other mother....his birth mother...has only her imagination and desire to believe in the best for him, having no idea where in the world he might be. All she can do is pray that he is happy, he is safe, and he is loved. And I realized, in that moment, that those thoughts must be in her mind each and every day,  bringing both pain and an incredible need to have faith in the unknown person who has her son. My son.

Imagine the child that you love so much, the one that you would give your life for. Now imagine that child is gone, to somewhere unknown with someone unknown. Would a day go by without a fervent wish to know that he is all right? Would the pain of not knowing ever leave your heart?

In all my stories for Shawn Joaquin, we talk about how his birth mother loved him but knew she couldn't care for him in the way she would like. She was a 26-year old mother of a three year old, recently 'divorced' from her partner of 8 years. She earned $50 a month, and paid $25 a month in rent, and formula alone (necessitated by a lack of breast milk) was $20 a week. So we talk about how she made the decision to let another mother be his mother for life, so he would have everything the needed to be healthy and safe and loved. And then we move on to talking about his foster parents, the first night we all met, how he was loved and adored by his foster sisters, what his first night home was like in our little house in Oakland with our two dogs and a cat. His birth mother never appears again in those stories - she is but a prelude to his life. But suddenly, I know that to be false.

On this day, I know this woman - a grown woman, not some teenager who 'made a mistake' and doesn't recognize the depth of her loss or the importance of her decision - is wondering if her boy is all right. If he is loved. She is looking at his now 9-year old brother, wondering if anyone loves her youngest child as much as she loves the boy before her....if it is even possible for anyone to love someone as much as she loves him. I want her to know that yes, the baby that she gave away against all of her desires except the one that he have a better life than she could give him...yes, he is loved. More than anything in this world.

I know that my wish, sent across the thousands of miles between us, will not be known without some action on my part. She can't feel my heart, my intention. So on this day I have decided to find her, to let her know that he is everything she would want him to be. It will be up to her to let me know how much detail she wants; a photo, a letter that she will painfully be forced to share with someone else because of her illiteracy.  Whatever she needs to know that she made a good decision, one that allowed her son to grow up with opportunities he never would have had in Guatemala. To have an education. To have a future in which he can be anything he desires. To have the support of a family committed to him for life. And above all, to know that someone loves him as much as she did the first time she saw his fiercely beautiful, Mayan face. We are tied for life, this mother and I, by our love for our son....Shawn Joaquin.