Dear Friends and Family:
It's time for our annual letter, the one in which we proclaim our successes that far exceed yours, the 17 trips we took to exotic places, our four-year-old's early acceptance to an Ivy League school, and the many awards conferred upon both myself and Gregg for exceptional community service/work performance/cure for disease/great hair. So let's just get to it so you can read it and then go back and feel even worse about your pitiful life, as your wails echo in the hollow emptiness that is your world.
This year we made many trips to places far and near, expanding our horizons and debt load. From Rite Aid and Safeway to exotic locales like Livermore, Richmond and Hayward (often mistakenly called the Armpit of The Bay Area by jealous outsiders), we enjoyed the multiple cultures, languages and driving styles found in each unique community. The highlight of our travels was a trip to Ranch 99, where we stocked up on Thai foods for our new au au pair, Noo. Thankfully, she is no Khe San and her vocabulary extends well beyond "Daddy", "shiny" and "five dollar now". In fact, she is as cute as a button and weighs about as much, and is quite wholesome and a great addition to our family.
Madelena is also clearly a new addition to our family, and when she's not creating small mosaics made from cheerios and dried mac and cheese found in the corners of her high chair (to later display at the Getty) she's telling us what to do and how to do it and when to do it. It's so nice to have another dictator in the house, relieving me of what has been my constant responsibility.
Shawn Joaquin is excelling in Spanish, insubordination, wailing, kicking, crying and screaming and I expect that any day now he will elevate the art of Creating Chaos in Otherwise Peaceful Public Places. We love him to pieces, and will enjoy him each and every moment until the gypsies finally name their price or we sell him with a Starbucks gift card as a gift-with-purchase incentive. As we often say on the rare occasions when he smiles at me, it's a good thing he's beautiful and occasionally the most charming and precious boy in the world. It's that which keeps CPS at bay.
Gregg continues to work long hours that tax his health and our relationship, and I couldn't be more proud of the many hours and pints of blood he gives his employers. With their micromanaging of him, along with the constant pressure to make more money while spending less, my hopes of an early retirement — living off the life insurance, of course — could come true.
My work is one of our downsides; I am treated with respect, allowed to work from home and see my children throughout the day, and am immune (because of distance) from the office politics and maneuvering that so often cause nightmares, panic attacks and poor clothing choices driven by a "maybe if I show my boobs they won't notice the errors on my latest status report" mentality. This disparity between Gregg's work life and mine leaves us with little in common, so we are forced to rely on physical intimacy and actual meaningful conversation to hold this relationship together. Keep your fingers crossed for us and this crazy approach to "healthy relationships."
Well, I have tons of holiday fun to plan - laundry, shopping for vomit and urine removal solutions, wrapping crappy gifts that I bought at Target on the $1 shelf as stocking stuffers, and of course spreading holiday cheer near and far with our family's version of Jingle Bells. It includes the inimitable stylings of Shawn Joaquin and his spin-around-and-fall-down dance, along with my atonal contribution to harmony.
Happy holidays to all, and a reminder to check my Amazon.com wish list for thoughtful gifts that will be sure to surprise and delight me,
Paige
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