My uterus hurts

Sex in a house with a three-year old who knows how to open doors is always a tricky thing. To keep him in place at night, we put one of those spinny things on his door, which just frustrates the crap out of him. So instead of possibly walking in on us, he's able to cause almost instant Mood Death by wailing into the baby monitor "HEP ME! SOMEONE HEP ME PEEEESE!"

Unlike Shawn Joaquin, I've come up with my own mood killers for those times when I'm Just Too Damn Tired.

"My uterus hurts."

"I ate a lot tonight. I don't want to vomit on you at the wrong moment."

"Why are you poking me?"

"Put that away before you hurt yourself."

"Is that precancerous? Let's take a look at that in the light."

All of these lines began as true statements, but have evolved into a handy little arsenal. The next time you're feeling just Not Quite Into It, try one of these lines. They work equally well for both genders, though straight women (completely unused to rejection by the usually ready-and-willing male) will spend a great deal of time examining their bodies afterward if some of these lines are directed at them — locked in the bathroom naked with both a hand mirror and the full-length mirror, having flashbacks to their first shower in the girls gym in junior high or to the unflattering, cellulite-illuminating lighting in the Mervyn's dressing room or worse yet, that time they saw themselves reflected in a store window and thought "whose ass is THAT?" before they realized it was their own — all sure to induce total body image failure that can last days and days at a time. So men, if you try this be sure that you're really damn tired and don't want to have sex for a very, very, very long time.

Who am I kidding - no men are that tired.