Penis parlance

I learned this morning that G skeeves the word "penis", currently one of Shawn Joaquin's favorite words and topics of discussion. Gregg suggested a number of alternate words that I deemed best used only among men, and only among men who hang out on street corners or bars or strip clubs, and in the end we stayed with penis. SJ, unaware of this entire conversation and the fact that penis is today's secret word, won about $10,000 this morning by using it repeatedly.

First use, upon greeting Wafa:
Wafa, when you touch your PENIS you have to WASH YOUR HANDS. Then I'd like some milk, please.

Second use, after doing a little underpants exploration and his own version of a Mary Katherine Gallagher skit:
What my penis smell like?

Third use, after scanning the room:
I have a penis. Daddy has a penis. You do NOT have a penis.

Fourth use, while sitting on the toilet:
This is MY penis. It's not YOUR penis. Only I USE my penis to tinkle.

When I reminded Gregg that this was a unique thing that he and Shawn Joaquin share and that it would be up to him to address the imminent erection discussion, Gregg turned a whiter shade of pale and all but dropped to his knees while sputtering "NO! NO!" and explaining that as much as he hates the word penis, erection is not far behind. Again, he had some ideas for other words that could be substituted, and again his suggested words were declined.

My brother and I were 14 months apart in age, and when he reached about four years of age my parents talked to him about erections. Their explanation was that when you get really excited and happy about something, his penis would go — and I quote — BOING. This led to innumerable car trips in which Shawn would loudly announce "We're going to Nana and Papa's — BOING!" or "I just got an ice cream — BOING!" Thankfully our parlance developed over the years and I learned not to shout "BOING!" in adulthood when I felt the situation called for it. But there have been some near-misses, which drives me to use the real names of body parts for Shawn Joaquin so that someday he does not say the word "wanker" or "winkie" to the love his life, effectively losing her and her respect all at the same time.