Mama love

I adore my son. Whether he is deemed weird or too inquisitive or prematurely swearing or stonily silent in the presence of strangers, he is perfection to me. I am sometimes overwhelmed by the sight of his beautiful little face and big black eyes — oddly, almost embarrassed by his beauty and the surge of love I feel in my chest at any given moment.

Before I held Madelena for the first time, I was worried that I would be unable to ever love a child as much as I love him. He is mine and I am his and so we will be forever, whether we are together or distant or both old and misunderstanding the other's intentions. My bond with him is so intense that I wonder how my mother ever recovered from my brother's death, or if indeed she ever will. At sometime they owned each other and were as close as I am to Shawn Joaquin, and she too held him close and kissed him and thought he was as perfect as I do my son. Later years changed that view, but under it all - even through the months of estrangement leading up to his unexpected death — did they not share this same intense tie?

Before we became a family, my husband said he was offended by people who have children telling the childless that they will never truly understand the love parents have for their children — as if it were something inexplicable and wordless and nothing any poetry or prose could ever explain. Now, finally, I think he understands it — who could look at this boy and have him call you Daddy and not?

Thankfully, my fears about Madelena were unfounded. From her first moments with me, she laid claim to me for life. I know that our bond will be as intense if different, and I see a life of adventure with her - the two of us jumping off a cornice with Shawn Joaquin safely below, videotaping our insanity. Or maybe our adventures will be as simple as tea at the old Sheraton Grand, where we will sample cucumber sandwiches and petit fours and cross our legs in a ladylike manner...all while slipping extra cookies into our demure, pale pink purses.

On this gray day, with Shawn Joaquin off at Habitot with Wafa and my daughter in Guatemala with her loving foster family, all I can do is miss them both and look forward to our life together. Be that a bubble bath this afternoon for a little boy who is sure to recite the entire plot of Toy Story and wipe off his father's kisses with a hearty laugh or the homecoming in a few weeks or months with a baby girl who I have carried in my heart if not my arms for the last year.

Somehow, both those thoughts make this gray day a little easier to bear.

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Yes, all sentiment and no snarkiness today. Don't worry, it's still me, and I'll be back tomorrow with something scathing or innappropriate - it's the only way to keep the censors interested.