Things you don't know

I'm an avid reader of Esquire — it's exceptionally well-written, with great pop culture and political articles, and fiction by writers like David Sedaris. But the first thing I always turn to is "Ten Things You Don't Know About Women", a monthly feature written by (okay, probably ghost-written for) a series of beautiful and opinionated grown up women — Courtney Cox, Sela Ward and Maria Bello, to name a few.

An excerpt:

"Yes, we drink until you're cute, too."

"Sometimes we think we really understand men. Then we regain consciousness."

"We don't ever want to see the inside of an Olive Garden."

I find this section so interesting because 99% of it is true, and most men probably think it's a comedy essay. We can tell men our secrets because they have no idea it's true, or they're just not listening. Kind of like preschoolers, who never pay attention when you want them to but always pay attention when it's an opportunity to later brightly ask your neighbor "how did you get a stick up your bottom? does it hurt?" or "daddy is going to love mommy all night long."

Knowing that Shawn Joaquin can not read and this blog will be as defunct as 8-tracks by the time he does, I give you this:

10 Things You Don't Know About Mothers

1. When we tell you that you won't like that thing you want to eat, it's because we want to eat it and will as soon as you look away.

2. After you go to bed, we watch all the shows you'll never, ever be able to watch, including Pants Off Dance Off.

3. Poo smells really bad and makes us want to vomit, even if it's yours.

4. Sometimes you're seconds away from being sold to the gypsies but never are because we can never FIND the damn gypsies when we need them.

5. Yes, we'd like to have ice cream for breakfast too. And sometimes when you're not here...we do.

6. The Backyardigans are fun for us. You're just an enabler.

7. Every day we fear that you will in some moment look at US with the same disgust WE once had for our own mothers. And imagining that moment, we want to cry.

8. We know that as long as you are in this world and not within eyesight and we are alive, we will never get a full night's sleep.

9. We do all the things we tell you not to do — eat with our mouths full, forget to wash our hands, drink from the milk carton and run with scissors.

10. When we confuse your name with the dog's/cat's/sibling's/favorite TV character, it's not because we don't know your name. We just love you all equally.