The short bus and other fun

When I was about eight, I began to take special classes that allowed me to incubate eggs, learn how to develop film and print photos, learn a foreign language, study fine art and do a whole host of extracurricular activities. At some point I had taken some IQ test at school, and the result was that after I had whipped through my regular 4th grade work and had started poking holes in my apple or a nearby head with a sharp pencil to alleviate the boredom, I could go off to these bungalows on the far side of the playground and do 'xperiments. Once the other kids caught wind of it, one of my classmates began to throw snails at my head every morning while we waited at the bus stop, calling me names and saying, "you ride the SHORT BUS!!! You're a tard!" Since we rode the same bus to school and in my sheltered world I had no idea what "tard" meant, I initially found this really confusing and nonsensical and the snails just plain icky. In later years when I understood the comment I just felt sorry for her parents, who were clearly raising a potato.

Today I received an email with the compelling subject line: IS YOUR CHILD GIFTED? Normally I would immediately discard emails like this, sure it would be like that time when Shawn Joaquin was 14 months old and some parenting newsletter was trying to tell me that he should be drawing straight lines with crayons by now and possible doing small drafting projects on a freelance basis. But just in case my son was worthy of snails being thrown at his head, I had to check it out.

Among the signs of giftedness are unusual abilities, reaching developmental milestones early, advanced language development, inquisitiveness and unending questions, vivid imagination and imaginary friends, ability to memorize information and recall arcane facts from books, television shows and movies not present. A few more questions led me to believe that he's either gifted or an alcoholic, so I had to write down my answers to see which one was more likely.

Unusual abilities: Can smell sunshine, make a tamale and glass of milk last an entire hour, knows how to wake EXACTLY at sunrise on any night that we've stayed up past midnight, can recognize both Jack Johnson and Kings of Leon within three bars and can navigate to Peet's from anywhere in Oakland with the clarity of a little peanut-butter smeared GPS. Add 50 points.

Developmental milestones: Walked at 22 months (subtract 17), said his first word at 5 months according to a sleep-deprived grandmother (add 17 points), and could throw a ball overhand and with deadly accuracy at his father's crotch at 15 months. 20 bonus points.

Unending questions: What that store about? Who works there? Where they go? Who turned the lights off? What they doing at home? What they eating? Why they eat that? Who with them? Why they do that? What they talking about? Where does the rain go? Add a billion points.

Vivid imagination: In his dreams goes into a hole in the wall every night and at about 2 1/2 had a friend named Jack he often called on the cell phone while kickin' it in his car seat after play dates. 100 points, minus 50 for long distance charges.

Information and arcane facts: Can recite the entire plot of Chicken Run (viewed once a year ago) if sufficiently hyped on sugar, knows JAMBO means hello, recalls the time a diver in a tank at museum freaked him out, but good [NO DIVERS! NO DIVERS!] a year ago, can pick out the smallest detail on a detail-laden illustration and will talk about it ad nauseam. Add 100 points. Can't remember if snow is red or white. Subtract 50 points.

In the end I don't know if he's gifted or drunk a lot, but either way he's not going anywhere. I would usually make a joke like "yeah, I think we'll keep him" but that's just not so funny when you're an adoptive family. And in Berkeley may be a hanging offense.

I will say this: I think that a boy who wakes up calling "who is it?", hugs me with a depth of emotion and love that makes me gasp, pushes my bangs out of my eyes and says "I love you" while gazing soulfully at me with big black eyes and has been known to want to be with no one but mama for hours at a time is, if not gifted, a gift.